Why am I so single? Because I’m a theatre critic

The problem with turning press nights into date nights

Leesa Tulley in the musical Why Am I So Single? Photo: Matt Crocket

By Alexander Cohen

We are sipping aggressively strong martinis in Forza Wine at the National: me, and a Hinge date I’ve been seeing for about a month. She’s a journalist so, of all the people I’ve ever dated, I am convinced she will be the one who will tolerate the late-night writing binges fuelled by caffeine and cynicism that are part of my weekly routine as a theatre critic. It’s a tough sell.

My big news of the day: “I pitched an article that got accepted somewhere.”

“What’s it on and who is publishing it?”

“Theatre criticism and dating.”

There is a pause. She purses her lips. Could be the afterburn from the martinis.

“It’ll be about all the awkward dates I’ve taken to press nights trying to balancing dating and my life as a critic. But I’ll tie it up with some serious bits about relationships. It’s for somewhere called Exeunt. It’s on Substack now.”

She frowns.

“Do you often take dates to press nights then?”

I’ve been rumbled. Everyone has a dating ritual. A particular outfit. A particular drink at a particular bar. For me its doubling up press nights as date nights.

…

Hell is empty and all the devils are on Hinge. I would know because, at the time of writing, I have 547 matches on the app. This is probably not a good thing, because 547 is a pixelated indictment of my personality. I’m still single. There must be something wrong with me – with who I am, not how I look. With what is on the inside. Not a comforting thought. And this is where I begin to wonder: can it really be a coincidence that since I lifted the critics’ pen and notebook, I haven’t been able to sustain a genuine romantic relationship?